August 22, 2022

Battling Rumination

Have you ever felt like you cannot shut your mind off of work even after you shut down your computer at the end of the shift? They actually have a term for this, ruminating. I know this is normal for people who are new to a position or work. But sometimes, I just feel like it's really tiring and whenever I look at the root cause of my worries and constant thought of work, it's always down to simple tasks or sometimes, nothing really at all - I just really feel anxious.

Bukidnon, Philippines (S. Que, July 2022)

It's a hard feeling to get by but I do remember I did feel this even as early as college freshman year when I attended University after attending just one school from Kindergarten to High School. It was hard and I really wanted to shift to another course and quit - but I did not. Then during my first time to work in the corporate world. I thought is it really for me, during the first few months, it was so hard for me. Even if I received awards while having a hard time on my mind, I still struggled with my thoughts. I remember my former manager giving me a talk on how he will allow me to resign just let him give me another month and see what I'll feel after - and yes, I did not resign more to it I'm still in the same company 6 years after.

Now I struggle again despite my senior telling me he has seen improvement on me in my first two months and even as I check my tasks and backlogs, I constantly see how I was able to perform the tasks that I originally felt scared if I can even do it before. But despite all of that, I am again in a constant battle with my own mind scaring myself of these new things, unknown concepts, things that can be learned. 

I know it is normal to be overwhelmed by new things - a new job, new lifestyle change, new workmates. But in my case, I know my mind is responsible for making those overwhelming thoughts be maximized, or as I read it, catastrophizing these fears. I have been blessed with this new position I prayed so hard for because I had no expectations I'd get it, only big hopes. Nobody said it would be easy, but now that it gets hard and new and scary - I constantly think of quitting - but whenever I look back, I already had a lot of episodes of wanting to quit, but never I resorted to quitting.

I can do this. All the efforts and trust of my new manager and director just to have me on their team, and even efforts of my former manager to constantly motivate me even if that meant leaving her team - I don't want those to go to waste. Not to mention the amazing training given by my senior, and my new teammate who I consider like a brother, is very supportive and helpful to me and constantly makes me feel he's there, I'll do my best to channel those motivations and load those in my mind to battle the constant whispers telling me that I should feel scared. 

It is scary, new things - but we always get by. I know everything takes time and I shouldn't be hard on myself by thinking it already 3 months yet I'm still feeling these anxiety. In time, with prayer, efforts, and help from people - I'll get by - I'll succeed.

As I end this post, I just wat to thank each and every person who believed and continue to root for me. I constantly do my best and drive myself from within as much as I can, but it's their encouragements that keeps me going the most. that includes you, my blog friends who never left even if I went gone for quite some time.

18 comments:

  1. Hi Stevenson. It's good to see you back. Sounds like life has been moving forward. I hope you take a breath too, and that all goes well. hugs-Erika

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Erika! So happy to see you here! Thank you so much for the kind words and you said it perfectly, deep breathing when I feel very overwhelmed really helps together with prayer! Sending you hugs to the US!

      Delete
  2. Haha, funny you, dearest Stevenson. What weird dreams of work going wrong I had and have. Any things, even.
    Wasn´t sure if I have spaghetti in the house - dreamed was buying some with my Mum, who passed 2011, and the machine ate my credit card.

    Try to see the good side - your brain works it out without you helping? (I had Spaghetti and no machine ate my card).

    Beautiful pic btw!

    See. You did not quit!
    And ha. One of my teamleaders (I have two projects) keeps saying I need to gain confidence. I cannot take compliments but he said I do a good job, no need to keep being small - I give the advice over to you.
    We must be related! If I was Hindu I would think of a former life.

    Crazy, same here. And then panic sets in - I am known for "the fast finger" cause when someone says (sharing my monitor), "yes", I click. Even if they meant I´m on the way - too late, I clicked.

    Do you work from home or with "real" workmates? I am glad I am in safe heaven here...
    Your teammate sounds like the other.. both teamleaders I have. We can do this!
    Big, big hugs to you. First and clever step is always admitting we are afraid and next that we can do it anyways, with help! Keep it going, I know you will!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waaaaa thank you so so much Iris, your advices always makes me feel good and helps me so much!

      And thank you so much for reminding me t hat I did not quit and will not be quitting. And as you said, that is exactly what my senior told me, that I need is confidence and again we are so much the same that sometimes even if I receive compliments about my work even from before, my brain sometimes don't take it and still do the anxiety and fear ughhh but I do appreciate compliments very much.

      And oh my Iris e are again the same in your fast finger! I remember a past manager gave me a name "scrape" because time to time on my last job, I receive manual work in excel and copying stuff from the web and I tend to finish it fast especially when I have rhythm that day and a good music playlist and then he called me scrape hahaha I guess that is also what causes my anxiety - the way I want things done fast which is not always helpful especially in my new work wherein inputs come from different people and I need to learn to collaborate more and leave a little my old independent working self.

      I do work from home at the moment and all my teammates are in another country but they are amazing and I am super thankful! Super love what you said, just like what my senior also told me, acknowledging what I am afraid of is a big big step already and just be confident that I will learn what I am afraid of.

      Will keep it going and thank you so so much dearest Iris!!!

      Delete
  3. Oh Stevenson - that is not a good place to be in. God has it all under control, and you obviously do your best - trust Him for your peace, and that He will see your through this difficult phrase. To be anxious is normal, but don't let it overwhelm you - let the Lord do that. I will be praying for you
    Blessings
    Maxine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maxine, thank you so much for your beautiful words, it gave me so much more courage and motivation. I am most grateful for your prayer because I as well always resort to prayers when it gets really really hard. Will do my best to not let it overwhelm me as much :)

      Delete
  4. Yes, you can do this. Just hang in there. I know what you mean about bringing your work home with you in your head -- that can be so stressful. I think it will ease as you become more accustomed to your job. You WILL be fine. Do you still have your terrace garden? Sit quietly with the plants or not quietly with friends. It may help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so so much dearest Jeanie! Super nice of you to remember my terrace garden, and yes, the plants are still thriving beautifully (but a little unkept lately) and am planning to invite my friends over for wine one of these days. I'll remember this when I tend to feel anxious again and do a stroll on the garden :)

      Delete
  5. Acho que é natural, nos primeiros tempos, quando se muda de cargo, sentir-se tal pressão... mas com o tempo, há medida que nos familiarizamos com as novas tarefas e exigências, tudo irá melhorar, certamente! A única coisa que nos pode apaziguar, é sabermos que estamos a fazer o melhor que conseguimos e sabemos! Um grande abraço, e votos de tudo a correr o melhor possível!
    Grata por essa maravilhosa paisagem... e gostei imenso do novo visual do blog! Tudo de bom!
    Ana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Ana muito obrigado por suas belas palavras. Estou orando de todo o coração para que isso diminua com o tempo e aos poucos e pouco a pouco fique menos frequente em comparação aos meus primeiros meses. Muito obrigado e suas palavras edificaram e antes de eu começar minha quarta-feira. Espero que você esteja bem e tenha um dia maravilhoso!

      Delete
  6. Having known you for a while now, I know you certainly are not a quitter and will never be!!

    Reading this just confirms to me how much you actually care about your job...both old and new positions. It is normal to be anxious about new things, we are only human afterall and stuff like new jobs is pretty scary too - for most people.

    You got the position and know your stuff, otherwise you would not have the new job! Try not to listen too much to these negative thoughts and focus on the positives. And remember to do all the travelling you have done takes major confidence too, doubt I would be able to do that.

    I find writing my troubles and anxieties down helps a lot, it is almost like letting it got for me if that makes sense?

    Think of all the positives and DON'T listen to the negatives. Don't let them control you either, they are just thoughts, nothing more. Sending you big hugs from Scotland x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Ananka, you just never fail to motivate and provide the words that I need. hank you so so much and I very much agree with you about writing thoughts and how it helps. Weeks ago I started to write again on my journal not just my feelings and thoughts but also plans for the day and things I am grateful throughout the day and it helps me a lot lately as I feel the rumination lesser compared o the first months of my new work.

      Thank you so so much and I hope through time I grow less and less scared of my job and I should start embracing that its okay, even if I'm already on my 3rd month, that I still feel the anxiety and fears. Hugs back from the Philippines! It's been rainy and grey since the week started.

      Delete
  7. Animo y espero que estés mas tranquilo. A veces pasa así y uno debe encontrar su punto para descansar . Te mando un beso.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Muchas gracias J.P. lo aprecio su amable palabras para mi. Espero superar esta situacion . Besos!

      Delete
  8. Great photo and so glad you ~ Trust yourself ~ you got the job and you are doing well ~ Xo

    Wishing you good health, laughter and love in your days,

    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement Carol :) So happy to see you here on my blog again.

      Have a great weekend ahead!

      Delete
  9. Stevenson, you got this and in time you will feel more comfortable. It's obvious that you have the support not only of your friends, but your manager and former manager too. You earned it. Every new experience can seem overwhelming, but just like your school days, you made it through. As others have suggested, take time to breathe and relax and enjoy yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so so much Beatrice for your kind words and much more for being one of the reasons I got back to blogging. I know I'm still not that frequent but I know I have something to look into whenever I feel sad or happy and that there are people in my blog world who cares for me. thank you so much!

      Delete

Thank you for taking time to visit my space on the web. I would love to hear about you and your thoughts about this post. Feel free to leave a comment, it would really make me happy!