April 27, 2020

A Therapy for my Anxiety

With the current COVID-19 situation where a lot of the world is on their own levels and modes of alerts and lock-downs, anxiety is very rampant especially to people who already have them even before this outbreak started, one of which is me. I have not been diagnosed with Anxiety clinically but it has always been a problem about me, especially when it comes to thoughts about health. I have type 2 hypertension so it also became an extra factor as to why I am having a hard time in this scary period of time.

What usually happens to me is whenever there are outbreaks like these, I start by the usual reading about what the disease or illness or virus is about, then I tend to get too immersed on reading more about its symptoms, until it gets to me very badly that I can;t stop thinking about it, most especially now that we are on lockdown and it's quite hard to distract myself that even if I have work and graduate school, the constant scare and thoughts just never leave. Do I have it? What if I have it? What if I become a reason for my brother or father or yeya to get sick? (Yeya is our maid and who is a family member because she has been with us for 32 years now, 2 years before I was born).

With constant thinking, it takes its toll to me and then I start feeling the symptoms physically which is very scary. This might be confirmations and manifestations of the virus, but of course I still start to think that 'it's all in my mind' especially that I never went outside our house for a month and a half now because we all are locked down at home and only my brother goes out to get our supplies because he also has to go to church and serve almost every day. It ran for weeks and weeks, symptom after symptom but the thing is, whenever I get successful in thinking that it's just all in my mind like the time when I felt so hot and scared that I have a fever (thermometer says I'm not getting beyond 37 degrees) and it was gone after a couple of days, another symptom will show up like difficulty in breathing, then once a new one starts, the last one will then be gone. The only thing that persists is my fear that words from my close friends that relieve me works for a time until my start woud automatically worry again.

As a Christian, I pray the rosary everyday and talk to God in my personal prayers which does help especially if I'm feeling very hopeless and needed some rest for my mind. But still the anxiety lives through. Then one day after prayer, I suddenly thought about an old garden here at our house terrace. As you see in my older posts I have a small garden of succulents and cacti on cups but I thought about what if I fix that side of the house and revive the beauty of it that was once my grandma's sitting place on late afternoons when she was still with us.

It took me three days to work on this garden into a better state, and you know what, it did help me with my anxiety. As compared just staying at my room almost the whole day since I also work from home at my room desk during evenings, having this garden not just as a project but as a growing place to relax at gave me peace and an effective means to stay away from thoughts of fear for bigger chunks of time on the day.

My Grandma's old terrace garden

Above you can see a photo of the Garden I was talking about. Most of the plants here were mine from about half a decade ago until I just left them to thrive and yeya to water everyday. Yeya has a green thumb and she even was succesful to make our Moth Orchids flower again for the third time since it was bought only as a decoration for my Mother's Tomb two All Saint's Days ago (Here in the Philippines, we visit the tombs of our loved ones during November 1st). But every thriving Bromeliad were left from my old planting stint. All I wanted before was to plant these plants but not really to make a garden with it, which I was hoping now.

So I started by repotting the pups or 'babies' that you see growing on the mother plant's roots and sides. Some of the old mother plants are already dying so I had to take them out to give way to the pups to grow better. I said my thanks to every mother plant that I decided to take away, just like what I do before I throw away some old things that are not functional or not needed anymore, learned that one from Marie Kondo and it is a peace-giving practice for me at least.

In the next two photos, you will see a before and after. Old and dried leaves and mother plants with the thriving pups crowd the pots (left). The other photo shows a repotted version with 1:1 ratio of plant per pot(right).


For those that have more than one pups, I transfer them to other old pots here at home, especially the large ones, the smaller ones I converted into hanging plants. My larger variety of Bromeliads gave me two more large pups that I repotted also on the separate pots while the old mother plants were thanked and discarded.

This is how it looked like on Day 2 of my Garden project.


While I was here and there from the garden and on my bedroom, I saw an old wind chime that I got from an old grandpa vendor here in our city, which I only bought because I wanted the grandpa to have sales and then kept on my room with no use. So after all those years, now I knew why I bought it.


I then thought of an old brass bell I bought during my first international trip. I got it from a market in Ayutthaya in Thailand near the Wat Mahathat heritage site so it is both memorable and sacred. I had initial doubts whether to hang something so precious on my garden but I thought it is meant to be blown by the wind which never happens indoors so yes, it went to the bar with the other chimes and hanging plants.


I was still not satisfied because I thought that this garden would be a good place not just to visit and pass by, with the cooler afternoon winds, this place is a good place to stay at during hot afternoons inside the house. This terrace is facing east so the sun is already on the other side which tends to make it cooler a cooler choice of spot to be in on this lockdown summer days.

So I did a bit of further rearranging to give more space for a chair and a small laptop desk, and also perhaps for a small table where I can invite my cousins or friends when this lockdown is over. So here it is!


As of now, it's been 5 days since I started this garden project and I am beyond happy with the results. I even got recognition from my father and yeya who also helps me in things that I need for like pots and soils and things like that. Now I feel so happy that I have something to visit everytime I wake up. I talk to the plants and greet them good morning and that I will be back in the afternoon to join them, just as I am in here currently writing this blog post for all of you my dear friends.

I still have my anxiety visits and some symptoms that I still tend to feel whenever I have idle moments these days, but I can say that this garden has helped me a lot and hope this is just the beginning of my path to a better and more peaceful mind, because it really is true that whatever stresses our minds really shows in our bodies.

Aside from these plants, I also want to thank all the blog friends I have gained in the past couple of months since I went back to frequent blogging through this personal blog and my Cavite Daily Photo for you all have been so helpful for me in keeping myself sane because work and school alone has not done a good job in maintaining my peace away from this pandemic. Your comments and visits make my heart so happy!

With this come prayers for all the people in every nation who experiences the same anxiety that I suffer from and every patient and victim of this horrible virus.

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This post is part of "My Corner of the World". If you wish to see other points of views from across the globe, click on the image link below:

My Corner of the World


Never Stop Looking for Peace
Stevenson

36 comments:

  1. Hello, Stevenson.
    I see you have succeeded in changing your home garden to look more beautiful and clean. The bromelia and orchid plants you choose add to the beauty of your garden.
    Good work.

    Regards

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    1. Thank you very much my friend Himawan! I really love bromeliads because they are very resilient and also you are right, adds so much beauty :)

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    2. Your welcome, Stevenson.
      At home I also have brumelia, only unfortunately not diligent in flowering. Maybe Hary Sayq diligently gives fertilizer :)

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    3. Oh my friend! Mine doesn't flower too :( I wish it would this time that I will promise to frequently visit them :)

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  2. I love what you did with your plants/garden/terrace...I would want to be out there all the time. It is good to keep busy, when worry strikes. But when worry strikes it can be hard to make one's self get busy. But then it feels so good to accomplish a little something. I have not worried much about this covid19, but I have my other worries...things that I have to battle almost every day so I do sort of know what you are feeling. I try to tell myself, God is here...he has this. And he does...I just need to cast all my fears and worries on him.

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    1. Rose, your words bring me comfort. Thank you very much and I will definitely remember that. And it felt really good to read what you shared about how I should just remember and remind myself that God is ever present and he knows and He has all our worries and that it should be a big enough reason to cast those worries to Him. Thank you Rose, Thank you so much!

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  3. Oh I am so happy for you ~ out of something negative, look at the beauty you created ~ Such an inviting and healing place ~ Wow! and healing for all of us to see in your lovely photographs ~ thanks and hugs and healing energy to you ^_^

    Be Well,
    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

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    1. That is so sweet of you Carol, it makes me so happy thank you very much! I pray for your comfort and happiness in these times and would love to share my Garden to all of you through these photos :)

      Stay Safe Carol and Happy Monday!

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  4. I'm so very happy for you, that you have found a way to relieve some of your worries. Your grandmother certainly knew something special about that terrace garden - what a lovely place to sit and contemplate/work, as well as beautiful plants to care for. Plants thrive on love and attention (and being talked to) and give us positive energies in return. Keep on enjoying creating and communing with your own little Garden of Eden :) xx

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    1. Margaret, I just want to say that you and your garden are one of the things that also inspired me to get up and fix one of my own. I will always take note of what you said that the love and attention we give our plants, even talking to them about my worries and joys, would be turned into positive energy that comes form them. I will definitely remember that one :)

      Thank you so much my friend Margaret and will commit myself to my beautiful space of love and positivism even after this lockdown :)

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  5. My beloved grandma taught me how to look after plants. Thanks to her I fell in love with gardening and is now my hobby. Unfortunately, grandma is already dead, but I take care of our garden all the time and it calms me down a lot. You have a beautiful terrace!I'm impressed! Stay healthy! :)

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    1. Our grandmas taught us very well my friend Rodzina and the happiness that plants can bring us. I really appreciate it much more in these times of seclusion, and just like you I get calmed by them so much. Thank you so much for your complements Rodzina! Stay safe and healthy and greetings to Poland!

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  6. Been puttering in the garden too and during this quarantine my husband started a vegetable garden. We've been talking about one for years now, but with the extra time we have at home he finally got the project started. Now let's see if we get tomatoes etc in the summer time. Stay safe.

    Worth a Thousand Words

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    1. Oh Photo Cache I am so happy to hear you guys started a vegetable garden! That is the best garden one can make because you also get produce from it that you can enjoy and get nutrition freshly from! Oh I hope and pray that those tomatoes will grow strong and give you plump and tasty fruits!

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  7. Hubby´s Brother is a doctor and he told us to NEVER read the medical package insert - but I have to, since doctors often don´t tell you the neccessary things, like a prescription that causes damage to the skin when being outside. I have a sun allergy and even mentioned it.
    Don´t google, HA, I was so close to fine a doctor once. But was told it´s no use.
    I´m coughing since weeks, but I do not qualify for a test. I´m "too young". I had 38.9C, but I do not qualify. I feel better and what helps is going out in the cold, but sunny weather. Away from the ever screaming kids here.
    Well, like your garden, right, quiet.
    That, yes, and beautiful memories.

    Right, the wind chime hangs here in the living room with no use! But then it´s so loud, I´d be going on neighbour´s nerves like the kids do.
    And maybe I should, too. No... I don´t go down on their level.

    Have you tried some ... oh, I don´t remember the name and it might be different in your country as well, it´s with saffron, no chemical medication, maybe that might help a bit? Didn´t work for me, though, but it´s not expensive and maybe worth a try? Or valerian, we call it "Baldrian", maybe just ask at your pharmacy?
    Just avoid chemical medication, I at least, went through "hell" and it did not help a bit. Got that from a doctor.
    The pharmacist knew better!

    Enjoy your garden, and I hope we all can get back to a normal very soon, dear friend. You are not alone...

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    1. Oh Iris it is very cool that your hubby's brother is a doctor and he can be reached close when you need an emergency or something. And I very much agree with you because my Cardiologist is good but at times he seems to be very occupied because I get to be 16th or 20th in line of consultation so he can be in a rush at times and forget to give necessary precautions or ask further questions during my check-up.
      That is very true Iris, I am very guilty of always reading on google and then it's like it emits the diseases because after reading them I suddenly feel the symptoms, like really!

      I will very much take your advise of getting more sun especially now that I have my garden. Before I thought of gardening, I am just literally locked on my room or kitchen for more than a month and maybe that is a factor on my anxiety. But now the garden is doing wonders to me and makes me happy and calmer. Haha we share the short temper for screaming kids OMG! Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine that I'm tying a hankerchief in their mouths and then I feel relieved even if their screams are still on-going as ever.

      I searched for Baldrian and saw it on the internet and I think I would have to look for this here, I hope we have this in the Philippines. right now I am taking maintenance medication for my hypertension so just like you, I stay away from any extra chemical medication.

      Thank you so much my dear friend Iris, your comments really brighten my day! And thank you so much, we are all in this together and thanks for being a good friend in these times.

      Stevenson

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  8. Sadly Ingo´s Brother lives more than 300km away, but wee, with the technology these days, no problem, right?
    And... we´re not dumb, are we. We choose serious info on the net.

    LOL, I´ll dream of lots of hankerchiefs, believe me!
    I´m seriously thinking of recording the screams, buy a boom blaster and give it back until the parents realize how much they go on other people´s nerves!
    We have houses all around, but the parents have no idea of physics, of acoustic noise multiplying.
    It´s not the kid´s fault, dumb parents.

    The worst I got was Citalopram, never ever take that! If your brain is smart enough it won´t work and you just suffer, they made me for 2 months. "Try, it will get better", no. Opipram, the same.
    I really thought I die when the dumb doctor said, OK, go to zero, you did not take it for years and online I found... the truth and called her, when I was able to.

    Please ask your pharmacist before taking anything! Check with other stuff you might take... well you certainly know, right ;-)

    I am sorry you have to suffer this, also.
    When Ingo got severly sick and nearly died I had to rely on online friends.
    One real hug and I´d broken down, but I needed to be strong to talk to the doctors etc. Online friends helped me through, so: The best wishes to you Stevenson, take care, enjoy your garden and the sun!

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    1. Hahahaha Iris you are so funny! Now I wish if only I live near you guys I'll super laughing everytime! Super love your humor! And yes to that! We do choose our sources even if they are from the internet right?

      OMG! Recording the screams!!! hahahaha That is sooooo funny! I can imagine the parents covering their ears and can;t do anything because the blasters don't care HAHA And yes, it really is the parent's fault. Especially nowadays, in my opinion, well speaking from her ein the Philippines, the parents are just suuuuper lenient and not talking to the kids when they are getting wild already i mean too wild! haha

      Oh thank you very much Iris and I am very blesse dto have online friends like you, especially you that can make me laugh so much! Sending you hugs from the Philippines and hoping your day is all good and on to a nice evening!

      Stevenson

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  9. Looks like a cool, quiet and peaceful place to hangout and relax. Leave all the stress behind and enjoy some quiet time. I could see myself sitting there listening to classical music and loving it. Try not to worry, all you can do is keep social distancing and stay safe. People are getting restless everywhere but patience will get us all where we want to be.
    Cheers, my friend and have yourself a good day/evening.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words Bill. I agree with you and plan to stay everyday afternoons on that garden while I do some blogging or reading. Patience really is key these days.

      Thank you so much my friend Bill and Good Evening to you!

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  10. ...anxiety has always been a part of life, now it's a huge part of life. Take care.

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    1. Truly it is Tom, and yes, especially now. Hope we can all get through this soon. Please take care Tom!

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  11. Beautiful Photos - I Am Currently Sending Vibes Your Way - Love & Light Brother - Love & Light

    Cheers

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    1. It's always nice to see your visits here my friend the Padre. Love those positive vibes, thank you so much and I'll remember that, Love & Light :)

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  12. I am so very grateful that you have found this place of solace. It is truly beautiful and I can see with each comparative photo how the work you have done has truly upgraded and improved the garden space. It's just lovely and I suspect rather a haven in these uncomfortable days.

    I think so many of us are terribly concerned and doing our best to stay healthy, no matter what it takes. We are certainly trying here. I have no big desire to resume my normal life until we learn more about how we can avoid this terrible disease. I wish you great peace in your garden. Thanks for sharing it and your story, which I find brave and courageous.

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    1. Jeanie, you words are always comforting and uplifting and very caring, which really means a lot to me, thank you so much! I am glad you like the garden and was so happy to hear that you saw its progress through these photos.

      We are very much the same that I have no desire in continuing the life that was before, and its scary because our president will resume everything to almost normal on May 15th no matter if the cases improve or not. I just hope my company would stil allow us to work at home.

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  13. So glad you have found your sanctum and a very beautiful one too. Your garden is amazing!

    Happy Wednesday!

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    1. Than kyou very much Veronica, I feel so happy that you like my garden :)

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  14. Your garden looks amazing. Working with soil and plants makes me feel fantastic too. I think we all need a connection to nature to help find inner peace-as well as other things too.

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    1. Oh I agree Erika, at first it was hard for me to touch the soil with bare hands because I haven't done it for a long time but when I put my hands to it, it felt really good like I am part of the earth :) Very true Erika, inner peace can really be a product by the garden to our souls :)

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  15. You did a fantastic job on the garden! I find working in the garden, no matter how trivial the work, it always makes me feel better and I'm so glad it worked for you, too!

    Thanks for taking part at 'My Corner of the World' this week! It's good to see you.

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    1. Thank you very much betty and I feel so happy that I found this Garden love in this past week which gave me this energy and peace and a connection to our earth. Stay safe and happy that New Zealand's alert is down a level now. Hope it will be the same for all of us too here in the Philippines.

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  16. You did that in just five days, incredible. I think many people are finding comfort in gardening and if you have your own private space, why not? It's very hard to be cooped up at home and I think you've found a fantastic solution. Please know that many other people are feeling the same things as you, and for you to not have meds to help you makes this extremely hard. Maybe you can talk to your Dr. again and please keep up communication with other bloggers, I've found that surprisingly helpful. You can email me any time. Keep up the gardening and communication, this won't last forever.

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    1. Jeanna that is so very nice of you. You make mo so much more grateful for surrounding myself with amazing people through blogging. Luckily, the symptoms that I feel are lesser for a week now, I really think it's the gardening plus kind words like yours from my blogging friends which are like my daily 'workmates' since I don't really get to talk to my workmates lately. So nice of you Jeanna, this means a lot and yes, this won;t last forever and hopefully it will end soon so we can all be safe and free again but with lessons learned.

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  17. These are difficult times for everyone. I like what you did with your garden area. It looks like a nice place to get outdoors and enjoy fresh air. I have a chairs and tables just like yours at my float cabin. They make enjoying my outside deck even more. I can't be there right now because we are sheltering in place in our city condo. Getting home in the not too distant future keeps me happy, and I have lots of old photos to help me remember the good times. Stay safe and take care of yourself. - Margy

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    1. Hello Margy, thank you so much for your kind words on my garden. Oh I can only imagine what is a float cabin but it sounds super peaceful and relaxing to be in there! I just hope that the situation would get better soon and would love you to spend time on that beautiful cabin in these sunny seasons.

      Please take care and stay safe too Margy!

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